I know every person doesn’t always think about the future, or about getting older. Some people don’t always think about getting more wrinkles or losing their dignity, their sense of purpose. A lot of old people end up in a home and their relatives don’t visit them as much as they should, they are always too busy finding excuses so that they don’t have to feel guilty. In a lot of homes, the staff don’t do their job properly, not like a caring relative would do. Old people still have needs, feelings and thoughts and the staff don’t always realise this. It’s a depressing thought though, more aches and pains than what I have now, even less mobility. It scares me, I do not want to get old…it’s not just a normal thought for me, I’d rather die young than ever get old. Be remembered for being a good mother. I do not want to live past 40 years old, 40 is a good age to go. I don’t feel depressed about it, nor ungrateful. I am happy with how my life has panned out, how my children have grown, what they have become.
I may be married with three children but I feel lonely. I have a friend who lives half an hours drive from here and she works most of the time and I only actually see her once or twice a month. That’s it, I have no more friends who I see. I feel so lonely, no one ever rings me or texts me and asks me do I want to meet up or go for lunch or a coffee. Only one person has mentioned it today and I feel like she only said to be polite. My husband doesn’t like her because of what he has heard about her. Whether it is true or not I don’t know, but, she has always been nice to me and my children and to me, that’s all that matters. I am hardly one to judge after what I have done in the past, I’m no angel and if she wants to meet up then I will.
I’m sat here in bed, crying and crying cause I’m a fat ugly whale. I hate my fat stomach and my chest. I want to be severely underweight, I want people to whisper how thin I’ve gotten, I want to feel faint and have skinny arms and wear skinny jeans. I want cheekbones and thin legs and bony fingers. You see, I’ve never had this and I want it, I want to know what it’s like. How do I train my body, my mind to be like this, to not ever get hungry. I do believe it will strengthen my mind, make me more spiritually aware. Food is the enemy, full of calories and fat, it tastes good for that first initial minute before the reality sinks in. It slides down to ur stomach like slime, and lays there heavy before pushing ur stomach out that little bit more. So, if I don’t take that first bite, I will feel empty and that tiny bit lighter.
I hate getting fatter and putting on weight, but, I cant seem to do anything about it. I want to do a water fast or at least only drink diet coke, water and eat sugar free gum but every time I do…we end up going out somewhere and I feel compelled to eat…!!!
Isn’t it sad..my whole life since age 16 has been obsessed with my weight. You see…wen I was 15-16 yrs old I went through a long phrase of not eating. My weight dropped considerably and I was called names as I walked home from school. I hated school and got bullied and picked on most of the time I was there. I never had any real friends…not even one. I hated my parents for moving to Bristol wen I was 11…that’s why I was so shy…I never spoke to anyone in break times. I was 5ft 6 and my waist was only 26inches and even then I thought I was fat!! I wasn’t allowed to pick out my clothes or a cool school bag.
Ever since then I haven’t felt the same, my life has been one whole mess really, always eager to please other people to keep the peace. I still believe that everyone wud benefit if I wasn’t here any more. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s how I feel.
Every evening I go to bed and think “tomorrow is the day I will start my fast”. The next day comes and I’m ok for a few hours and then I either forget lol or something happens like we go out with the kids for the afternoon/evening!
I keep thinking that I really need to do something about my weight and wen I look in the mirror I hate what I see. But I can’t seem to get past that first day. I need to get myself back on track and focused, more pro ana pics and videos to inspire me I think.
I don’t know why but last nite in bed I got really depressed, I was just lying in bed trying to go to sleep and I had the same (horrible?) thought that I am not going to live beyond 40. Why do I keep thinking that? It’s like a part of me already knows. I don’t really feel depressed about it but I wonder if it’s just me being paranoid and thinking morbid thoughts or is it actually a premonition? When I try to imagine me being older I just can’t imagine it, I have to admit thou I don’t want to get old, I don’t want wrinkles and grey hair, I don’t want to end up in a home not knowing who I am!
I am good at imagining things and guessing what’s going to happen but when it comes to me being old, nothing comes.
I am a lil bit upset and annoyed! I tell someone something, and instead of them keeping it to themselves, they broadcast it just to get a reaction, so that they can cause arguements and blame me!!! If they read this, they would say thats not true, that I am being silly, cause they think they know it all but they know very little when it comes to common sense! They think the world revolves around them but you can’t tell them that cause they would deny it. It’s so infuriating, but, I know better, I HAVE common sense, I know how they think.